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by Paula F. Penson
When my sister-in-law, Ms. Barbara Drake, 55, of Annandale, VA, called in May 2001 to let us know that my mother-in-law, Mrs. Nellie K. Penson, 86, had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, we were shocked. Over the next few months, our entire family went through the classic cycle of loss: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. We immediately began to make arrangements to move to Virginia to be near "Mom" so that my husband, LTC (Ret) David S. Penson, 52, could be with her while she could still recognize him. The final move was completed in early fall that year. We truly felt puzzled and confused when we first started visiting Mom. She seemed perfectly okay to us, except that she was now living in a health care center, instead of with Dad in an independent living community. She seemed coherent and the same as we had always known her. Within a month of being around Mom we began to see what Barb and Dad had been observing over the last year: a gradual realization of short-term memory loss. At first, Mom just seemed "spacey." Then she began to ask the same questions over and over again, no matter how many times we had just answered them moments before. That's when we began to accept that Mom had Alzheimer's. Over time, each member of our family has taken a different approach in dealing with this fact of life. My husband simply wants to spend as much time in her company as possible. He visits her every day. He takes her out in her wheelchair for "walks" around the grounds. He plays her musical tapes from the 30's, 40's and 50's, and she sings along (she knows all the words!). That's an amazing part of this disease --- she can remember every word of a song from 50 years ago, but can't remember that she already had ice cream for dessert just moments before. My sister-in-law treats her the way she always has --- she combs her hair, freshens her make-up and escorts her to the activities that are provided by the health care center twice a day. My father-in-law (Dad) sits with Mom sometimes two, even three times every day. They watch television in her room and discuss current events. He is my hero. He is there with her in the morning after the staff has dressed her in her clothes. At lunchtime, he goes to his own apartment for a few hours, returns after dinner and then sits with her again for another two hours in the evening. Dad also attends monthly caregiver support group meetings. He continually tells other support group attendees (and our family) how lucky he is that he has his daughter, son and daughter-in-law are right here helping him every day. As a family, we all share in the awesome responsibility of providing Mom with a quality of life that was denied to her the day she was transferred to the health care center from her own apartment. As for myself, Mom's daughter-in-law, I have my own way of coping. Upon receiving word that Mom had Alzheimer's, I immediately tapped into numerous resources. I visited countless web sites and gathered as much information as I could find on this disease. I decided that I want to say and do the right things around Mom. I've learned so much about reducing her anxiety and fears. I've learned that an Alzheimer's patient is afraid all the time. I've learned about "sundowning" --- those evening hours that often create great confusion for diagnosed individuals, enhancing their sense of insecurity. I've learned they can become aggressive, loud, depressed and even melancholy. I've also learned that there's a reason individuals with Alzheimer's despise bathing --- after taking showers every day for 80+ years they feel understandably "attacked" by strangers helping them in this effort. So how do we in the Penson family deal with Alzheimer's? We make sure Mom is never alone without a family member for very long. We try to give her some semblance of her previous life, which is sadly gone forever. We all have Sunday lunch in the dining room with her each week. My husband takes her out in the car to her favorite lunch spots. We push her outside when it snows so she can experience the changing of the seasons. Mom is very lucky. There are many people in the health care center who have no visitors. They are much farther along in the advanced stages of the disease. They loll their heads; they drool; they don't talk; they just sit. Each day, they are dressed by staff, pushed out to the main table and then sit, hour after hour. I dread the day that Mom will be one of them. Until then, we are with her as much as possible … watching for signs that she's moving into the next stage. Caregiver Paula Penson lives in Fairfax, VA with her husband, LTC (Ret) David S. Penson. She is currently employed by the Army National Guard as a Policy Writer in Crystal City. She is a dedicated volunteer of the Alzheimer's Association, National Capital Area. Subscribe to our E-Newsletter! © 1997 - 2005 Alzheimer's Association, National Capital Area. All rights reserved. |
